Yes reader, one of these 2002 makes. Photograph: Action Press /Rex FeaturesDammit man! Dammit! Sorry, reader, sorry. The Fiver doesn't usually like to start off its afternoon epistle in such an abrasive fashion but anger, searing, sizzling, scolding heat has got the better of your beloved today. Walls have suffered, oaths have been uttered and TVs have exited the window and met the pavement with the kind of force that makes a Karl Henry tackle look like a night out at the ballet. But what exactly has got the Fiver's pink and blue flowery numbers in a knot? Is it the 350 part-time workers deployed during the summer opening of Buckingham Palace who have no guaranteed work? Don't be silly. Those "desolate" north-east remarks from Lord Howell, former energy adviser to William Hague and George Osborne's father-in-law? Hello! Welcome to Snoozeville! Population the Fiver. That English football has been warned that Manchester City are being used as a 'branding vehicle' for the criticised Abu Dhabi regime? You're having a laugh?
No, it's none of them. It's something far more serious than the "environment" or "human rights". Official. Club. Website. Statements. That's what it is. The Fiver doesn't ask for much – other than the three-digit number on the back of your debit card – but when yet another carefully diluted 400 words of nothingness [leave it – Fiver Ed] seep out to announce that 'The Club is delighted to confirm that blah blah blah has joined for yawn yawn yawn', well … that's when the walls and TV look at each other like they have been asked to spend a day in a stuck lift with Roy Keane and Mick McCarthy.
T1tfers tipped, then, to Torquay United, who trumpeted the arrival of Krystian Pearce at Plainmoor with a slightly immature, yet entertaining dig at fans' messageboards and more. "Official site always gets there last … I get my info from the fans' forum or Bob in the pub … grumble, groan and moan," it parped. "Hang on a minute, briefly forgot where I was. We can now confirm that defender Krystian Pearce has passed his medical and signed all the paperwork on a two-year deal with the Gulls." Inevitably, Bob in the pub was unavailable for comment.
More of this please. Anything slightly different. More mock unveilings in the regal style of Alan Tate, chairman Ron Martin being allowed to write every story on Southend's website. Just anything to end the tedium amid the ongoing misery that is Suárez to Arsenal, Bale to Madrid and no one to Manchester United. Then, perhaps, sources close to the Fiver will be able to tell you just how less funky the Fiver is.
"I look at Southend Pier. It's a mile and a half long, right on the Thames Estuary. And I think, why do people do that? It's just to show what you can achieve. So we've been along the prom a couple of times. We've had walks and warm-downs. We've had training sessions on the beach. And I've enquired to Southend Council to see if we can get a free run along the pier – you have to pay about seven quid to get on it. So if we do a warm-down there it'll be a relaxing day, they'll go on a mile-and-a-half jog and end in the middle of the Thames Estuary. What's crazy about that? What's stunty about that? It's about using the local terrain" – sound the Phil Brown interview alarm.
"It sounds to me as if Premier League bigwig Richard Scudamore is miffed that BT Sport has succeeded where he failed in terms of securing dressing room footage (yesterday's Fiver). He says he threw the idea into the mix, but it was a no-go area. If we have reached the point where the reject bin of Scudamore's innovations is the place to start rummaging for new ideas then surely it must be time to STOP FOOTBALL" – Dan Ashley.
"Laudable as the efforts of Liverpool are, I feel the pedants' duty to question the plans to 'eradicate any form of discrimination' (yesterday's Fiver). There is an important difference between discrimination and unfair discrimination. Discrimination only requires a degree of consideration to be given to a decision, such as deciding to wear matching socks, or deciding to moderate your language given the surroundings, or indeed deciding which South American news outlet to proclaim your desire to leave Merseyside to next before claiming to be misquoted. Unfair discrimination requires the unreasonable application of this ability, which is clearly A Bad Thing. But worth being clear on, and a discriminating audience is not one that is against Othello from the start" – Michael Hunt.
"Gmail categorised Tuesday's Fiver under 'Promotions' as a part of its new inbox tabs and categories feature. I think 'Relegations' would have been more appropriate" – Damien Neva.
• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of our prizeless letter o' the day prize is: Damien Neva.
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
Mr 15% Willie McKay says star client Joey Barton would join Everton in a heartbeat, in return for hardly any money at all*. (*£35,000-a-week.) "Joey said there was only one club he would make a sacrifice for and it would be Everton," trilled McKay. "It's the club he loves."
Mike Ashley's zero-hours contracts may be hard on Sports Direct workers – but his frugal approach to billlionairing is even harder on Alan Pardew and his eight-year-contract. "I think we're still in the market," he sniffed after missing out on a string of slightly-too-expensive signings. "We will pay what we think is the right price."
Good news from Brendan Rodgers: Luis Suárez is happy. "He totally understands the club's point of view [about not selling him]. He hasn't been moping about," thrilled Rodgers. "The [squad] spirit is strong. Right across the club there is a one-club mentality."
Pepe Reina has clarified Monday's open letter on his website in which he revealed how angry he is with Liverpool over his abrupt Anfield exit. The key point: "I'm not angry with Liverpool – quite the opposite."
And Manchester United have named PepsiCo as Official Drinks Partner in Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Myanmar, Cambodia, Laos and Brunei, joining a family of partners including Official Manchester United Noodles Partner Mamee. Jumpers for goalposts, etc and so on.
After four years of purgatory and dark farce, Pompey are back and look a decent bet for the play-offs, says Rob Bagchi in our League Two season preview.
With the rise of Gareth Bale, Swansea and Cardiff, it's time for the English to take the Welsh game seriously, reckons Paul Wilson.
And Sky Sports News' yellow Ticker of Truth is doing its best to wind up the Rumour Mill again. It's working.
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