Insults you could still get away with at Liverpool FC

Go on, that outfit is fair game, surely. Photograph: Alamy

Liverpool's decision to issue its staff with a list of unacceptable phrases is undoubtedly a good thing. For too long, despite the best efforts of Kick It Out, football has remained the last refuge of the discriminatory insult.

However, this does leave the staff of Liverpool FC in a bit of a bind. Although insults based on race, gender, sexual orientation and disability are obviously unacceptable, it would be wrong to stamp out insults altogether. This is because, more than anything else, insults are brilliant. Here are some that Liverpool FC should find acceptable.

Because an individual's fashion sense is dictated by a set of conscious decisions, feel free to mock it whenever you like. So long as you stay away from their ethnicity or perceived income, you pretty much have carte blanche here. "Has a dog thrown up on your shirt?" always goes down well, as does "That's a fashion statement. The statement is: 'I am objectively terrible at fashion.'"

Babies aren't offended by unflattering comparisons, because they are babies and babies are stupid. If you find yourself in a situation with a whiny colleague, feel free to state: "Don't be a baby." Or "Aw, poor baby." Or "Did baba do a poo-poo in his knick-knicks? Did he? Did baba do a poo-poo in his knick-knicks?"

Imagine that you're a crotchety old man sitting out on your porch, scared and confused about how quickly the world is changing. If you strip away the racist and homophobic things you'd shout at youngsters – you are an old man, after all – that leaves you with a brace of wonderfully pejorative insults. Why not try "Punk!" or "Hippy!", both accompanied by the requisite fist-shake? Or, since you work for a football club: "I'll put a bloody knife through that ball if it comes over my fence again"?

"Vile one". "Dunghill". "Unnecessary letter". "Naughty mocking uncle". "Deboshed fish". "Cullion". "Juggler". "Canker-blossom". All insults invented by Shakespeare, and all so effortlessly highbrow that none of your colleagues will ever mess with you again.

Finally, don't forget that the world is still full of non-discriminatory everyday insults that you can use whenever you like. Why not try "stinknozzle" or "pranny"? In the right context, "massive git" can be a conversation-ender. Go wild! The world is your pottymouthed oyster.

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Clarke says Ashes win still possible

Venue: Emirates Old Trafford, ManchesterDate: 1-5 AugustStart time: 11:00 BSTCoverage: Ball-by-ball Test Match Special commentary on BBC Radio 5 live sports extra, BBC Radio 4 Long Wave and via the BBC iPlayer Radio app, BBC Sport website & BBC Sport app. Live text commentary on BBC Sport website, app & mobile devices

Captain Michael Clarke admits "people may laugh" at his claim Australia can still win the Ashes, but he insists his team can turn the series around.

Australia need to win the third Test at Old Trafford, which starts on Thursday, to keep the five-match series alive.

The tourists have lost six Tests in a row but Clarke believes victory in Manchester will give them momentum.

"Our backs are against the wall but I honestly believe we can still win the series," he said.

"I know a lot of people will laugh at that but I wouldn't be here if I didn't think we could - we can shake up this series."

After their narrow defeat in the first Test, Clarke said Australia could still win the series.

When he repeated the claim in a pitch-side interview after the tourists had been crushed in the second Test at Lord's, the crowd burst into laughter. 

The Australians have recalled batsman David Warner, who was suspended after punching England batsman Joe Root in a Birmingham bar in June, to their squad after he scored 193 for their A team in their recent match with South Africa A.

But Clarke, who stepped down as a selector in the wake of former coach Mickey Arthur's sacking, is unsure whether the 26-year-old will earn a recall.

"I think David was extremely apologetic at the time," said Clarke.

"He knows what the expectations are for Australian cricket and I am very confident he has learned from what has happened in the past."

All-rounder Steve Smith did not train on Wednesday as he nurses a bad back and Warner could replace him if he fails to recover in time.

Spinner Nathan Lyon is widely expected to replace 19-year-old Ashton Agar, who has struggled with the ball in his first two Tests despite scoring a Test record 98 as number 11 at Trent Bridge.

England's hopes of retaining the Ashes by avoiding defeat at Old Trafford were boosted on Wednesday by the news that batsman Kevin Pietersen's chances of being fit are "pretty good", according to captain Alastair Cook.

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VIDEO: Clarke still 'confident' of series win

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VIDEO: We can still win Ashes - Clarke

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ICC proves it still cannot organise a World Cup with marathon schedule for 2015 tournament

Has the International Cricket Council learnt from this experience? No. The next World Cup in 2015 is going to be precisely the opposite: long and blunt, 49 matches spread over 44 days, and no game will really matter until the quarter-finals.

Exactly the same as last time, in other words. Pfaffing around south Asia in 2011 for more than a month of qualifying matches produced the most stunning results in the history of international sport.

Yes, South Africa, India, England, West Indies, Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Australia and New Zealand proved to be better at cricket than Zimbabwe, Kenya, Kenya, Bangladesh, Ireland and Holland.

Was not that a turn up for the books? Who could have dreamed that the quarter-finalists would be those first eight teams? It is just as well that we will have to go through the same process all over again in 2015, in 14 cities spread across Australia and New Zealand.

If there is one thing to be said for the format of the last World Cup and the next one, it is that it has to be better than the 2007 World Cup in the West Indies, which put in a powerful bid to be remembered as the worst-organised cricket tournament ever.

That was the one where India and Pakistan were both knocked out in the first week, to be replaced in the Super Eight stage by Bangladesh and Ireland, and West Indian fans ignored the event.

The format was drawn up by a group of people, gathered by the ICC’s chief executive Malcolm Speed, none of whom had ever played a first-class game of cricket.

So they were not unlucky when India were knocked out by Bangladesh in the first week: anyone who had played cricket could have told them that India, then, were slow starters, and the qualifying stage had to be arranged differently.

After the 2011 World Cup, in response to complaints about long-windedness, the ICC’s executive board announced the number of countries in 2015 would be reduced from 14 to 10, then abruptly reverted to 14.

They decided World Cups have to include at least four associate members: which can be done, only the two group stages should culminate in semi-finals, not quarter-finals, giving the qualifying stage an importance it now lacks.

So book your holidays now for February 2015 and make sure you do not miss epic qualifying clashes like England v Kenya or Namibia v India.

The ICC can get a good price out of broadcasters for a World Cup. It still does not know how to organise one.

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VIDEO: Clarke still 'confident' of series win

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