Insults you could still get away with at Liverpool FC

Go on, that outfit is fair game, surely. Photograph: Alamy

Liverpool's decision to issue its staff with a list of unacceptable phrases is undoubtedly a good thing. For too long, despite the best efforts of Kick It Out, football has remained the last refuge of the discriminatory insult.

However, this does leave the staff of Liverpool FC in a bit of a bind. Although insults based on race, gender, sexual orientation and disability are obviously unacceptable, it would be wrong to stamp out insults altogether. This is because, more than anything else, insults are brilliant. Here are some that Liverpool FC should find acceptable.

Because an individual's fashion sense is dictated by a set of conscious decisions, feel free to mock it whenever you like. So long as you stay away from their ethnicity or perceived income, you pretty much have carte blanche here. "Has a dog thrown up on your shirt?" always goes down well, as does "That's a fashion statement. The statement is: 'I am objectively terrible at fashion.'"

Babies aren't offended by unflattering comparisons, because they are babies and babies are stupid. If you find yourself in a situation with a whiny colleague, feel free to state: "Don't be a baby." Or "Aw, poor baby." Or "Did baba do a poo-poo in his knick-knicks? Did he? Did baba do a poo-poo in his knick-knicks?"

Imagine that you're a crotchety old man sitting out on your porch, scared and confused about how quickly the world is changing. If you strip away the racist and homophobic things you'd shout at youngsters – you are an old man, after all – that leaves you with a brace of wonderfully pejorative insults. Why not try "Punk!" or "Hippy!", both accompanied by the requisite fist-shake? Or, since you work for a football club: "I'll put a bloody knife through that ball if it comes over my fence again"?

"Vile one". "Dunghill". "Unnecessary letter". "Naughty mocking uncle". "Deboshed fish". "Cullion". "Juggler". "Canker-blossom". All insults invented by Shakespeare, and all so effortlessly highbrow that none of your colleagues will ever mess with you again.

Finally, don't forget that the world is still full of non-discriminatory everyday insults that you can use whenever you like. Why not try "stinknozzle" or "pranny"? In the right context, "massive git" can be a conversation-ender. Go wild! The world is your pottymouthed oyster.

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